I’m nothing but nice these days.
I’m helpful; I’m empathetic; I’m kind; I’m friendly; I’m welcoming; I’m maturing; I’m breaking out of my comfort zone; I’m less judgy; I’m less confrontational; I’m less irrational; I’m funny and learning how to relax and be less opinionated; I’m trying to stop over-thinking; I’ve realized the complaining and negativity I could harbor, and I’ve become more mindful of it.
Only Trevor gives me this credit.
I’ve dropped friends like houseflies. Friends that I loved with every inch of my being. Friends that I would go to the ends of the earth for. Friends that I’ve sacrificed my nights, and my happiness to console. These friends have gone without a goodbye, without questions as to why I’ve distanced myself or why I have chosen to remove them from my life.
Well, you haven’t shown me the same selflessness; You bombard me with negativity that you bring onto yourself; You waste my time with asking for advice for years and then consistently do the opposite; You don’t invite and include me; You insult me by calling shitty/less good friends, the same “best friend” title that I earned over years; You’ve let me down, hurt me, offended me; You act one way with others and another with me; You bring awful people around, that embarrass you and embarrass me and embarrass my friends. I could go on…
I’ve lost 4 friends in 3 years. Two of whom were everything to me. I’m about to lose another. I can’t keep these people in my life anymore. These people don’t care about me. They hurt me. They leave me. These people never grow or change for the better. I’m holding onto high school experiences. So many people have left a mark on my heart. I think back to my friends throughout my life and I love them all. I think about: Nathan, Endya, Monica, Tuna, Sam, Jaime, Stigs, Jen, Rosie, Kat, Mike, etc. I really could go on. They all brought things to me that I see now, that I’ve seen within the last few years. I’m sorry for the things I’ve done in my past, I’m sorry for hurting any of you; I’m sorry for not seeing what I see now. You’ve all taught me things that I failed to see then, but I have seen this past year. I could have so many good, positive people in my life, but I closed out so many people due to my own insecurities.
I’m making amends, I’m not the same. I have my own complications, my emotional struggles, my anxieties, but I’m aware of them now. Trevor is the love of my life. He’s more than just my boyfriend; He’s my best friend. He pushes me to be better and more positive; He always roots for me and he’s not afraid to tell me when I’m being an asshole; He shows me what I do wrong, how I think wrongly and what I need to do to change that. Trevor is my biggest cheerleader and my support system. He makes me laugh and he protects me. Every single day, multiple times a day, we tell each other we love each other, and mean it. We are always supportive of each other and we have the best times. Without him in my life, I’d be a miserable negative pessimist.
I’m very thankful for Kristen and Guy, who have always been my favorite people. They’re helpful, fun, easy-going, and great hosts. I can be myself near them, and I really appreciate their friendship. Nick has easily become very close to me over the years and Trevor. He’s very chill, he possess the same depth that I do, and he’s a good friend. Travis is a good friend as well; He made me a very thoughtful Christmas present. I admit I miss Joey, but I understand his ways. Sheera and I have become close this past year. She is just super cool and friendly and fun. She and I have similiar goals and that pushes us when we feel low. I was jealous of her when we first started work, which I realize was ridiculous; I was jealous of her positivity and easy going-ness. (- And to anyone else I’ve forgotten, I love you, I’m sorry, I’m on a roll here lol)
My family will always be my biggest hurdle. My father is sensitive, lonely, needy all-the-while being stern, aggressive and pushy. He’s medically unwell, between high blood pressure, diabetes, atrial fibrillation, stress from his very demanding director position, and his lack of exercise, hobbies and good eating habits. I love my father so much, and if he died I wouldn’t be okay at all; But the constant worry of his happiness and health always keeps me from truly soaring away.
My brother is a firecracker, and his methods are unknown. He could be your best friend, or your worst enemy. He deals with his own inner turmoil, resentments and daily struggles revolving around achievement and self worth. I long to help him and ease his mind, but he doesn’t let anyone near him. I cannot change the nasty, mean, unhelpful person I used to be, and I regret how I treated him as a child (which I blame on my own inner turmoil). I have to walk on eggshells near him, because I have no idea what sets him off. If you set him off, he won’t speak to you, he will make you feel like the lowest piece of shit. I’ve spent years trying to make up for how I used to be with him, and something so simple as a question about his future would make him turn on me. It hurts, a lot. It rips me apart. I rack my mind trying to figure him out; I’ve resorted to maturity. I have no idea… this one really gets under my skin.
My mother is a contradiction. She’s always been Dr Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. She’s very pretty, and very successful, smart and outgoing. She and my dad didn’t get along while I was growing up, which made it very difficult for me, especially as the oldest. She has no respect for me, and whenever I ask her a question that she feels is out of line, she shuts me out, she yells at me, and treats me like I’m 8 years old. She is the type of person that I would recommend some medication for, but she won’t go to a therapist. I love my mother, and I long for that type of mother, but I have accepted that she is who she is and I have to be thankful for the good moments, the small doses, the dinner dates, the i love you emails. Even if she is kind of crazy, I know she loves me, she’s just got a funny way of showing it.
To sum it up, my mentality is basically this; We have all had: issues, tragedies, dilemmas, problems, and traumatic things happen to us. I don’t see why we hold onto them? I used to think that doing so kept me deep, in-touch with the reality of life. I see now, I see this past year, that all it did was keep me sad. It kept me low, closed-off, negative, pessimistic, mean, and jealous. I couldn’t grow into the leader, the positive motivational person that I try to be at work, or in public. We need to learn from our mistakes and grow from them, part ways, leave them behind us. Without these issues, we couldn’t grow, but by reflecting daily on them, we aren’t living, we are dying… slowly. This is huge for me, and that is why I’ve been so quick with cutting people out of my life. I see who I need and who holds me down, who keeps me dying. There is no reason to say “poor me” and victimize ourselves. It’s so much more rewarding to stand up and be a leader, and be powerful, and rise to the challenges of life, and excel in anything you want to do. Do it for yourself; Do it to make yourself happy; Do it to fully live your life.